I Must Confess That I Feel Like A Monster
by PsychoticNari
Summary: One-Shot/SongFic. Character: Sam. Rated for Language "I feel it deep within, It's just beneath the skin, I must confess that I feel like a monster..."-Monster by Skillet.


**Hello all! Just to let you know I don't own Sam or Dean, but I wish I did! Nor do I own "Monster" by Skillet.**

**I saw a comic/picture revolving around this song and Sam on deviantART so then I listened to the song on my iPod the next day and words formed into my head and…**

**This was created.**

**So, enjoy! (But mostly personic-pooch and deviantART, the idea came from her pic after all, so I suppose this is for you!)**

**Oh yeah, setting for this song fic is season 4, why? Because of the demon blood. I still love Sammy, but this Sammy was kinda hot….(okay really hot)**

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The first time he had felt like this was when he had the first taste of demon blood inside of his mouth. Before he had even thought about tasting it, he had thought to himself _'What would Dean say if he saw me now?' _But once his taste buds had tasted the blood; that thought flew out of his mind and was replaced by snarls of _'Moremoremoremore.'_

Once Ruby had pulled away and stared at him with those knowing eyes of hers, he felt guilt settle heavy on his mind (followed by the small rush from drinking it-would he feel it every time?) about the deed. Why had he done it?

Oh right, Ruby's words, _"It's going to help kill Lilith, Sam. You do want that, don't you? For Lilith to be dead? After she had let her Hellhounds kill your brother?"_

Sam had sighed and agreed with her. A bad feeling coiling in his gut already.

_**The secret side of me,**_

_**I never let you see,**_

_**I keep it caged but I can't control it,**_

_**So stay away from me,**_

_**The beast is ugly, **_

_**I feel the rage and I just can't hold it….**_

The second time he felt it was when Ruby started teaching him how to exorcise demons using his powers. Sure it took a lot of energy, but it still made him feel horrible when he found out he didn't even save the possessed man at all, he had sent a demon to hell (with his own goddamn mind) and couldn't save the man.

Ruby, as usual, commented that they need to practice more and that he didn't need to get lazy.

Sam had just glared at her and snarled out the question _"What the fuck am I supposed to do then?"_

She had merely smiled that cold, cruel smile of hers and raised a blade to her skin, tauntingly. _"You already know, Sam. Demon blood will make your powers stronger, and by having your powers stronger, it means you can save more people, and by saving more people, it means you can kill Lilith."_

After a few more tries, he finally gave in once she had said _"You could have your brother out of the Pit the sooner you get to Lilith and the sooner you get stronger."_

_**It's scratching on the walls,**_

_**In the closet, in the halls,**_

_**It comes awake and I can't control it,**_

_**Hide under the bed,**_

_**In my body, in my head,**_

_**Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?**_

The third time he felt it was when he started drinking, heavily. A lot. He just couldn't get the image of his brother getting ripped apart by Hellhounds out of his head. It would play over, and over, and over, making rage curl up inside of him.

Rage at Lilith. For the contract. For the Hellhounds.

Rage at Ruby. For the demon blood. For the persuasion.

Rage at himself. For not being able to save his brother the first time. For not being able to save his brother _now._

Drinking locked the image away in the back of his head. Only coming back when he wasn't drunk or sober anymore. The rage was smashed down, making his bad thoughts vanish. The depression disappeared, leaving him blissfully numb.

And the next day, when the hangover went away. It would begin again.

And again.

And again.

_**I feel it deep within,**_

_**It's just beneath the skin,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster,**_

_**I hate what I've become,**_

_**The nightmare's just begun,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster…..**_

Those were his days. All piled up with hunting, enough to distract him from everything else going on with the world. Ruby coming, to let him drink her blood, then Ruby taking her to some demon she had tied up, making him exorcise the demon.

Ruby persuading him to drink more blood. Ruby insulting him on his work. Ruby merely staring at him with those eyes, trying to offer comfort but knowing she can't.

_**I, I feel like a monster…**_

Why?

He didn't fucking need it.

Dean had been the one to comfort him; he didn't want any other persons (demons) comfort.

_**I, I feel like a monster…**_

The fourth time he felt it was when he actually found out he _liked_ the rush of exorcising the demons. He liked it, liked the feeling of power he got from it. How much in control he was in, how good it felt to be sending them down to the Pit…

Where his brother was…

It didn't hurt as much to think about him, not like before, but the hurt was still there.

There would be random times when he was with Ruby that he would find himself talking about Dean. Telling her stories that made him laugh a little. Whenever he told her one, she would only smile and shake her head slightly.

He wondered why.

_**My secret side I keep,**_

_**Hid under lock and key,**_

_**I keep it caged but I can't control it,**_

'_**Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up,**_

_**Break me down,**_

_**Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?**_

The fifth time he felt it, he had admitted it out loud. It was just him and Ruby in the usual crappy motel room, him drunk, her looking at….something in newspaper…when he had mumbled it, his words to slurred to even understand.

She had turned around and looked at him with a questioning look and a slight tilt of her head.

"_What?" _she had asked.

"_I said, I feel like a monster, I am a monster…." _He said, louder and clearer. The drunken haze leaving his mind for a bit as he stared at his…companion? With solemn eyes.

Her confused face turned harsh as she walked (more like stomped) over to him. She bent down so they could meet eye to eye and she whispered slowly _"What makes you say that Sam?"_

Sam had blinked at her and narrowed his eyes. _"Why the fuck do you think?" _he spat out and stood up from the chair he was sitting on. _"I drink demon blood, I exorcise demons with my goddamn mind, if Dean were here, he wouldn't- he'd be-"_

She had laughed, loud and harshly, and sneered at him. _"Your brother isn't here right now Sam, he doesn't know what the hell you are doing, and what you are doing is going to help him. When you kill Lilith, he'll be out of Hell, and you two will be together again. A goddamn fucking happy family reunion."_

He stared at her sadly before dropping his gaze to the floor, a small sigh escaping his lips. She was right.

She always seemed to be these days.

_**I feel it deep within,**_

_**It's just beneath the skin,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster,**_

_**I hate what I've become, **_

_**The nightmares just begun,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster…**_

There were some days when he actually felt normal, which actually was during the day time when he was on a hunt, strolling through the streets with his arm around Ruby, him slowly munching on a snack and offering her some.

They had joked around.

Laughed.

Smiled.

And walked some more.

And yet, on those normal days, there were times when he was disgusted with himself.

_**I feel it deep within,**_

_**It's just beneath the skin,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster,**_

_**I, I feel like a monster,**_

_**I, I feel like a monster….**_

The sixth time he felt it was when he began asking Ruby to give him demon blood.

She had laughed every time and agreed, knife already in her hand and placing it in his. She would lay back in the bed and let him cut her and drink her blood. And each and every time, he began caring less and less about what he thought about himself.

And every time, he forgot about what Dean's opinion would be on seeing Sam now.

This was Sam, probably him from the start.

_**It's hiding in the dark,**_

_**Its teeth are razor sharp,**_

_**There's no escape from me,**_

_**It was my soul,**_

_**It was my heart,**_

A few times, close to the end of the third month without Dean by his side, he felt the need to stop. He felt the need to _want_ to stop. And all of those few times, he had driven off to somewhere quiet and just screamed.

It was too late for him.

He could already tell he was too far gone.

And each of those times, when he had finished screaming up at the sky, he had whispered quietly to himself _"Who cares?"_

He already knew the answer.

_**No one can hear me scream,**_

_**Maybe it's just a dream,**_

_**Maybe it's inside of me,**_

_**Stop this monster….**_

_**I feel it deep within,**_

_**It's just beneath the skin,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster,**_

The seventh time he felt it was when he opened the door and spotted Dean there. _"Heya Sammy…" _he had said, with the familiar warmth in his voice.

He had let him (and Bobby in) before lunging at Dean (shapeshifter? Demon wearing Dean's body?) with a knife, pinning him to the wall.

He felt it when he saw the small hint of fear in those familiar eyes. Bobby had pulled him away, _"It's him, it's him Sam. I've been through this already. It's really him."_

Sam stared at Dean.

Dean stared back and took a step forward. _"I know…I look fantastic…"_

Sam stepped forward and hugged him, feeling Dean hug back. Sam ignored the guilt in his stomach, still having that feeling about himself.

_**I hate what I've become,**_

_**The nightmare's just begun,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster,**_

_**I feel it deep within, **_

_**It's just beneath the skin,**_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster….**_

The eighth time he felt like that was when Dean had found out about his powers.

"_How far from normal? From human?"_

He knew, he knew from the start, from the first time he had a vision.

"_It's already gone too far Sam."_

Sam. He called him Sam. Not Sammy, like he usually did. Sam. Why did that matter to him the most than the other words his big brother had said?

"_If I didn't know you….I would want to hunt you…."_

Hurt flashed through his whole body….if Dean….a glance at his brother's eyes showed he was telling the whole truth, not betraying anything.

"_Well tell me, if it's so terrific….then why'd you lie about it to me?"_

He had dropped his gaze.

"_Why did an angel tell me to stop you?"_

That had confused him. Before he could even finish his what, Dean was already responding.

"_Cas said that if I don't stop you, he will." _His brother made a small pause. _"See what that means Sam? That means that God,"_ Dean pointed upward _"Doesn't want you doing this."_

Sam had only felt more of what he felt about himself. He agreed about what he felt about himself.

_**I'm gonna lose control, **_

_**He something radical, **_

_**I must confess that I feel like a monster,**_

_**I, I feel like a monster….**_

The ninth time he felt it, no heard it, was from Dean's mouth.

"_It means…."_ He had trailed off and only stared at him.

"_What?" _Sam had questioned. Then, that small part in his mind whispered it to him, and he knew, but he wanted Dean to say it. _"Say it."_

Dean had looked at him, eyes shining brightly with what must be tears, and said _"It means you're a monster."_

Sam looked away, feeling no hurt in hearing the truth, before swinging back and punching Dean in the face.

They fought, oh how much they fought, and Sam felt not much guilt at each punch he tossed towards his brother. And soon enough, he had won.

"_You walk out that door, don't you ever come back."_

He felt a small flash of hurt at _those_ words, the words his own father had said to him so long ago. With only one glance at his brother, he eventually turned back around, opened the door, and walked out, shutting it behind him.

He had a demon to kill.

_**I, I feel like a monster….**_

"_You opened the door, and now he's free at last…."_

No. Nononono! He didn't mean to do that….He…

"_And it is written, that the first demon shall be the last seal…."_

Shock ran throughout his whole body….this…this was the reason why Ruby had _'helped'_ him? Just…just to break the last seal? He had let Lucifer free from his cage….he had broken the last seal! Panic ran next throughout his whole body….He didn't want this to happen….

"_You're too late…" _Smug tone.

"_I don't care."_ Anger.

He stood up in time to hold Ruby back as Dean stabbed her in the stomach, killing her.

Once he let go of Ruby, he stared at his brother. Once Dean looked up at him, anger and betrayal in his eyes, he whispered _"I'm sorry."_

Dean didn't respond, only staring at him.

_**I, I feel like a monster…**_

The tenth time he felt it, was the worst time, the worst out of all of them.

"_But I just can't keep pretending everything's alright. Because it's not, and it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother, and look what happened."_

Sam knew it was too late; apologizing wasn't going to help….even if his brother didn't show it, and he had hurt Dean so much by making that decision.

"_You were the one that I depended on the most. And you let me down in ways that I can't even-"_ he shook his head, and swallowed. Sam's guilt rose up even more, he had…let his brother down….his idol….his best friend….

"_I don't think we can ever be what we were….You know?"_

Even through his emotional pain, Sam still nodded.

"_I just don't think I can trust you."_

Those words hit him harder than all the rest. He watched his brother walk towards the car, pausing to look back at him before going back to his destination. Sam watched his brother, his life, his home, his best friend, drive away.

_**I, I feel like a monster….**_

He couldn't change it; he couldn't take it all back. From that first time, he had that feeling it would be bad. He just didn't listen to it.

Wiping his eyes when he saw the Impala out of sight, he walked back into the hospital, to Bobby's room.

One things for sure, he would always be a monster.

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**Sorry if the quotes are wrong, at least I think their wrong.**

**Hope you liked it!**

**Review's are like pies, and Dean likes pies, so feed Dean some pies.**

**Dean: Gimme pie.**

**SEE!**


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